Common Courtesy in Uncommon Times
Inspiration for Making Consideration Our Default Setting
In June 2020, my almost 80-year-old aunt was hospitalized for the first time in her life due to extreme fatigue and back pain. After over a week of testing, and being mostly alone due to Covid precautions, she was diagnosed with multiple myeloma.
She was admitted on a Wednesday, and I saw her five times while she was hospitalized over the next ten days. Some Covid restrictions had been lifted and one visitor at at time was allowed. When I visited her, I noticed that she called every single person, from food service to nurses to doctors, by their name, and introduced them to me, as well. She even confessed to me that one night as she lay awake, she rehearsed the name of the night nurse over and over in her head so that she would say it correctly.
Not only that, she said “thank you” to all of the people who did the littlest thing for her. Every. Single. One. Even if they’d come to stick a needle in her arm to draw blood, she thanked them for their help. Even if they clearly would have preferred to be somewhere else, she saw beyond that to the humanity underneath and responded to that humanity.
Before his death in 2019, my father had been hospitalized three times with the effects of lung cancer and its treatment. I noticed the same thing. Daddy ALWAYS thanked whomever helped him, and he always called them by name.
It’s not a coincidence that they were siblings.
Dad took it a step further, calling doctors by their first name as well. Some might say that is disrespectful; Dad did it to demonstrate his belief that everyone is someone and he preferred not to participate in societal “ranking.” His personality was such that it seemed as natural as breathing to be on a first-name basis with esteemed professionals in white coats as well as the woman who mopped his hospital-room floor.
Of course, the first observation I made about the behavior of this brother and sister was that they were raised by the same parents, in the same house, and had obviously been taught basic respect: never take for granted what people do for you, whether it’s their job or not, and learn the names of those you come in contact with. Being grateful to others and recognizing them as people who are just as worthy as you becomes a habit when practiced enough.
The second observation was not about my dad and aunt, necessarily, but about what society- any society- can learn from their example.
Call people by their names. Even when my dad was in NICU after brain surgery, he made it a point to greet his nurses and techs by name. When my aunt went home on hospice, she learned the name of the young man who delivered and set up her hospital bed. She even chided me when I introduced him by by his first name: “Does he have a last name?” It mattered that a person she would never see again be acknowledged fully.
Say thank you. If octogenerians with cancer and the side effects thereof can thank a person who brought hospital food or stuck a needle in their arm to draw blood, can we not thank the cashier at McDonald’s when he hands us our tray? Or the parking attendant who takes our money and opens the gate?
The point here is not to specifically say “thank you,” or to call people by their names, although those examples are the ones that have inspired me lately.
The point is to be considerate. Even in the worst of circumstances, can we think a little bit outside of ourselves and realize that although we might be going through a very difficult time, the people around us might be, too. Thank those who help us, give people enough respect to learn their names. Hold the door, share a smile, make room on the park bench… wear a mask.
As my aunt lay awake rehearsing her nurse’s name, as my dad was awakened every hour, on the hour in NICU but still said “thank you” for whatever ministrations he was receiving, they managed to keep the worth of others in the forefront of their minds, and act on the knowledge of that worth. There is no better legacy.
